A Night at The Playboy Mansion
An NWWL reporter’s tale of fleeting fame, fortune and fantasy…
The gates at the Playboy Mansion guard the personal and sordid secrets of the rich and famous. But even a fancy fence can't protect its guests from a reporter's curious nature. The mission: to uncover exactly what goes on behind the legendary gates at the Playboy Mansion. Let's just say that I was pleasantly surprised to find the night's magic and mystery so willing to be revealed...
I've heard that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas and you'd assume the same rules apply at the Playboy Mansion but this reliable reporter likes to dig deep to give you the goods. Here's a breakdown of the night's arcane affair:
Red Carpet drama...
What happens when you put shiny, form-fitting dresses with divine, pouf-perfect coifs and enough hairspray to kill a kangaroo on a dozen or so exuberant wrestlers? You've got yourself a brawny, bevy of red carpet divas! If you've never witnessed a procession of primped-up divas, high on Hefner's hormonal emissions, you'll just have to trust me when I say that NWWL's resplendent roster never looked better.
All the pretty, little bunnies...
If you think I'm talking about the Playmates, you're only half right. I mean there really are cute bunny rabbits hopping around the grounds, leading you to the party's entrance and ushering you into a fantasy-filled world of wonder.
A surreal movie set that really isn't a movie set at all!
Imagine that instead of being a run-of-the-mill extra in your real life, you suddenly became an exulted extra at the Playboy Mansion! Instead of eating burnt toast with ketchup at the craft service table you somehow find yourself eating jumbo shrimp (the size of your fist) and drinking an endless glass of Hefner's finest. The women that usually snarl or make goofy faces at you when you're not looking are suddenly asking you to the grotto and peeling off their panties to reveal their leading lady assets (if you know what I mean). You're getting hot under the collar and the pressure to perform is on, but this time, you get to be the star in the splashy, sex scene instead of ending up on some director's cutting-room floor! Sound like a dream? Well, for you it is!
There's no zebra in Hef's zoo...
I played it pretty cool all night. I didn't want to be one of those rubber-neckers that stand in line to take the Mansion's titillating tour. Sure you get to see "where the magic happens" amidst the endless array of sexy hallways and saucy sitting rooms, but I decided to be my very own guide in misadventure. All I had to do was follow the animal noises. After a few embarrassing detours, I finally tiptoed my way down a beaten path to a sleeping menagerie of exotic, wildlife. No lions, tigers or bears, oh my! No, now that I think of it, the only exotic part was guessing which animal was growling at me in the dark. Have they mated an alligator and a peacock yet? I guess a real journalist would have felt around for the answer. Oh well, next time!
There's nothing like a power ballad to send you on your merry way!
It was either REO Speedwagon's "Can't Fight This Feeling" or maybe it was Journey's "Don't Stop Believing," but I wanted the night to go on and on and on and on...Sadly, when the song ended, so did my bad 80's hair band impression. You just can't fight the feeling - to be an air guitar-playing idiot! Luckily, I was in the company of a few drummers, bassists and a smattering of vocalists. I can only assume that they were all classically trained and renowned Air Masters like me but who knows with some people!
Oh yeah, this is Hollywood baby! Don't forget your gift bag...
It didn't take long to assemble the posse. What am I saying? It took forever. We're talking about a night at the Playboy Mansion here and I didn't bring my lasso. So I had to be clever because the bus we rode in on had some weird "LEAVE NO WRESTLERS BEHIND" policy. I needed something that would cause a stir. I began to rush the doors nearing the exit in an incredulous panic, screaming bloody murder: "There are only FIVE gift bags left!" and voilà, the dirty dozen come clamoring out of the woodwork. Trust me, it works every time.
As we headed to our hotel, reminiscing in silence, I took a long look back at the gates closing behind us. I came here to get a sneak peek, but I really got an eyeful! I guess what I secretly wanted were the stories, the ones I could bring back to my friends about contacting Marilyn Monroe's ghost in the loo or bragging incessantly about the wild sexcapades I did or didn't have in the grotto. But in the end, what really happens on the other side of that fancy fence is something you'll just have to experience for yourself. Just one thing Charlie: you'll need that golden ticket first!